Tuesday, November 25
yeh maybe. just maybe. it'll be better if you hate me this way.
maybe i won't allow myself to indulge in this temptation anymore.
maybe i won't get to enjoy talking to you anymore.
maybe i have hurt you.
maybe my negligence have caused you more heartache.
maybe me avoiding you is going to make me feel worse.
but maybe you'll be able to find someone better. someone who'd be there for you when you need someone there.
and maybe. maybe. maybe.. i need my space.
away from you.
before. i. fall. even. more.
maybe i won't allow myself to indulge in this temptation anymore.
maybe i won't get to enjoy talking to you anymore.
maybe i have hurt you.
maybe my negligence have caused you more heartache.
maybe me avoiding you is going to make me feel worse.
but maybe you'll be able to find someone better. someone who'd be there for you when you need someone there.
and maybe. maybe. maybe.. i need my space.
away from you.
before. i. fall. even. more.
01:19
Tuesday, November 11
really don't know what to do Lord. help me.
i know it's inappropriate to think about this right now. especially when it has totally nothing to do with my top priority, other than the fact it Might be part of my future but yeah, just a little while will do.
do all guys do this? feel bored at army and only cos they want someone to talk to they can say they like someone when they actually don't even if they're willing to commit, it's so not being truthful, and more so taking advantage of someone. i don't know if he's doing that but what this friend said is totally true, and definitely close to my heart too. and it is, if he's actually only out to find a gf.. or does he genuinely like me. is he talking to me now knowing i have every weakness of accepting him again knowing i'm That soft-hearted, or is he actually missing me and wanting me and no other girls? is he trying to settle down on me cos i'm more 'easy' in coaxing and taken in and that he feels secured cos i'm so blindly trusting him in whatever he says? lastly, does he have no one to turn to and to message that's why i'm arrowed as his form of 'secure support'?? source of security?? i really hope this is not the case, especially when i'm trusting him now despite my heart being in the midst of recovering and repairing from the broken trust still, just like a torn ligament that takes a long time from recovering but is still shaky because it'll nevr be fully recovered. "trust once broken, never mended"
i hope i can trust you. but i'm not sure anymore. can you? would you? reassure me with genuine feelings and actions. show me you're true to this and really want it badly. that i'm not wrong in giving my trust again despite being so unsure. you're scared of being unloved. ain't i afraid to be ditched again, being left with myself to cry to because my hand was being let go off again?
can i? should i? could i? may i? probably... ?
i really don't wanna be just another girl put into the picture to fill the space. i want space made for me cos it can only belong to me. i want to be the most special in your life and not just someone coming along and cos no choice, you're left with me to settle down. i really want to love as i am loved in return. i want your most honest answer. i want you not to give me flattery and empty promises. i want real, solid, honest, innocent you. not he she it, but you.
i know it's inappropriate to think about this right now. especially when it has totally nothing to do with my top priority, other than the fact it Might be part of my future but yeah, just a little while will do.
do all guys do this? feel bored at army and only cos they want someone to talk to they can say they like someone when they actually don't even if they're willing to commit, it's so not being truthful, and more so taking advantage of someone. i don't know if he's doing that but what this friend said is totally true, and definitely close to my heart too. and it is, if he's actually only out to find a gf.. or does he genuinely like me. is he talking to me now knowing i have every weakness of accepting him again knowing i'm That soft-hearted, or is he actually missing me and wanting me and no other girls? is he trying to settle down on me cos i'm more 'easy' in coaxing and taken in and that he feels secured cos i'm so blindly trusting him in whatever he says? lastly, does he have no one to turn to and to message that's why i'm arrowed as his form of 'secure support'?? source of security?? i really hope this is not the case, especially when i'm trusting him now despite my heart being in the midst of recovering and repairing from the broken trust still, just like a torn ligament that takes a long time from recovering but is still shaky because it'll nevr be fully recovered. "trust once broken, never mended"
i hope i can trust you. but i'm not sure anymore. can you? would you? reassure me with genuine feelings and actions. show me you're true to this and really want it badly. that i'm not wrong in giving my trust again despite being so unsure. you're scared of being unloved. ain't i afraid to be ditched again, being left with myself to cry to because my hand was being let go off again?
can i? should i? could i? may i? probably... ?
i really don't wanna be just another girl put into the picture to fill the space. i want space made for me cos it can only belong to me. i want to be the most special in your life and not just someone coming along and cos no choice, you're left with me to settle down. i really want to love as i am loved in return. i want your most honest answer. i want you not to give me flattery and empty promises. i want real, solid, honest, innocent you. not he she it, but you.
22:54
Tuesday, November 4
omg i just realised i wasted like one day of my studying time brooding over nothing what an idiot. see lah assume somemore lah. people counting down to get pay and hanging out with good friends have nothing to do with his fb status and omg, it was really for fun. i'm really correct. ._. even he said i know him the best. alah. see lah. but already decided not to be together ever again why does that even matter?
and so after you found out it's not real you smile so much to yourself huh. funny lah funny lah. smack your face lah. no wonder they call you hopeless case. but should i meet him? he said he has something he Needs to tell me. not wants, Need. well that's what he emphasised. and sissie said she wanna tag along. now that will definitely funny.
haiyala. don't know lah but since i can focus better now. with the brain power. i better get down to studyin and maximise this time to its fll potential. whatever happens later, later lah.
but i think i'll be quite sure to see no happy faces if the person on my left is him on my wedding day. that will be such a sad scene. that's if i'm happy afterall that and something that i want changed changes.
howells. i'm such a possessive person. damn. i care for him. but then i don't know if this care is turning into possesiveness/love/just motherly care.
better get it right. you can't afford to get your life screwed over a guy. certainly not a typical ACS guy. (which he claimed he's not so shall give him benefit of doubt eh?)
"who's the baby now?"
boo.
i wanna believe in him.. but why? what instincts am i basing it on? since he's really innocent, so should i forget the past and trust him this easily again?
my oh my, i think i'm just rambling in a circle. better do something more productive for now.
and so after you found out it's not real you smile so much to yourself huh. funny lah funny lah. smack your face lah. no wonder they call you hopeless case. but should i meet him? he said he has something he Needs to tell me. not wants, Need. well that's what he emphasised. and sissie said she wanna tag along. now that will definitely funny.
haiyala. don't know lah but since i can focus better now. with the brain power. i better get down to studyin and maximise this time to its fll potential. whatever happens later, later lah.
but i think i'll be quite sure to see no happy faces if the person on my left is him on my wedding day. that will be such a sad scene. that's if i'm happy afterall that and something that i want changed changes.
howells. i'm such a possessive person. damn. i care for him. but then i don't know if this care is turning into possesiveness/love/just motherly care.
better get it right. you can't afford to get your life screwed over a guy. certainly not a typical ACS guy. (which he claimed he's not so shall give him benefit of doubt eh?)
"who's the baby now?"
boo.
i wanna believe in him.. but why? what instincts am i basing it on? since he's really innocent, so should i forget the past and trust him this easily again?
my oh my, i think i'm just rambling in a circle. better do something more productive for now.
14:41
Saturday, November 1
SLAP YOUR FACE! how could you be soooooo insensitive. how could you be so ignorant. i knew you 'd knew. i just knew you knew what's wrong. i just knew.
i feeeeeeeeel so down to the pits.
that all you could ever do to/for me right? to make me feel depressed. i hate to be missing you but i can't say.
it's okay. i won't ever talk to you again anyway.
i feeeeeeeeel so down to the pits.
that all you could ever do to/for me right? to make me feel depressed. i hate to be missing you but i can't say.
it's okay. i won't ever talk to you again anyway.
22:00
I FEEL LIKE I JUST WANT TO CRY OUT LOUD.
i feel like a total idiot.
FUCK IT.
i feel like a total idiot.
FUCK IT.
19:57
my heart is so disobedient. Daddy help me. this is killing me i'm so out of focus. i want to love i want to hate i want to love and i want to hate. but i can't not love. but i can't hate. that leaves me with love? or just longing?
i wanna ignore him forever.
i wanna let go.
i don't wanna think about him.
i don't want my heart beating crazily over him.
i don't wanna dream of him.
i don't wanna be jealous of the girl beside him.
i don't wanna have to speak to him.
i don't wanna dream of me looking into his eyes but not being able to tell him how i really feel.
he wanna get past this. what about me? what have my decisions been saying? what have my actions been corresponding to?
i want but can't have.
i don't want but there's no determination.
time?
get a life!
how is time going to help me get past when i will never let it go?
i can't even think of another guy without have him lurking somewhere in my brain and heart.
he's not even perfect like how i wanted.
arghhhhhhhhhhh what's going on?!?!!?
you wanted him to get someone who's nearer to him, yes it's better for you and him! why is this affecting you soooo much now!?
you are so not a bitch like how he called you.
you do not harbour ill-thoughts of him and always wanted the best for him. chose the best decisions for him. how can a bitch be like that? you are a mighty princess and there'll be a prince out there who's willing to wait and see that.
our together-forever?
never-ever.
i wanna ignore him forever.
i wanna let go.
i don't wanna think about him.
i don't want my heart beating crazily over him.
i don't wanna dream of him.
i don't wanna be jealous of the girl beside him.
i don't wanna have to speak to him.
i don't wanna dream of me looking into his eyes but not being able to tell him how i really feel.
he wanna get past this. what about me? what have my decisions been saying? what have my actions been corresponding to?
i want but can't have.
i don't want but there's no determination.
time?
get a life!
how is time going to help me get past when i will never let it go?
i can't even think of another guy without have him lurking somewhere in my brain and heart.
he's not even perfect like how i wanted.
arghhhhhhhhhhh what's going on?!?!!?
you wanted him to get someone who's nearer to him, yes it's better for you and him! why is this affecting you soooo much now!?
you are so not a bitch like how he called you.
you do not harbour ill-thoughts of him and always wanted the best for him. chose the best decisions for him. how can a bitch be like that? you are a mighty princess and there'll be a prince out there who's willing to wait and see that.
our together-forever?
never-ever.
15:19